Making mom friends should be easy, right?
Have you ever watched in awe at how a child can walk up to kids they’ve never met before in a park, immediately connect and start playing? What happens from then to adulting?
I wanna be like that when I grow up.
Observations and life experience have lead me to believe it’s a learned thing, the disconnect. I don’t think we start out all cautious and I definitely don’t believe we woke up one fine morning and decided it would be an amazing idea to separate ourselves.
However I don’t put it past being some shade of subconscious jargon. For those cunningly placed protective barriers and the not-so-easy-to-define hesitations that are by products from years of taking risks and getting the not-so-desired outcome had to come from somewhere.
Which overtime, turns that carefree, whilin’ out – YOLO part of us, into “I’ll-just-kick-it-over-here-and-mess-around-on-my phone-in-safe-mode.” LAME.
Mom friends & dating
I once read a mind blowing-metaphorical-masterpiece of a concept, written by one of the most bad ass moms I know. In the post (that sparked this musing in me) she revealed and related the process of making mom friends to that of dating.
Again, MIND BLOWING. Or maybe you had to be there. Either way, her point was “definitively and utterly accurate” I thought. It ain’t easy.
The Connection Game
As with a lot of moms I know, the connection game doesn’t quite play out for some of us as it does for the kids – who can mesh, collide, crash and come back to play in 5 minutes like it never happened. We got fucking baggage.
At times, there have been months of serendipitous play dates at the park, that I can only compare to living in New York City. Where you can literally be surrounded by millions of people and yet, because everyone is in an equally intense version of their own reality and hustle in that Big Glorious Apple (called parenthood), you also feel completely alone.
Sure, we might meet at a park, and on a regular basis. But these learned barriers combined with the stresses of motherhood (especially single mommyhood) and the expectations we may or may not place on ourselves for how this whole parenting artform SHOULD be looking and going down – can make connecting challenging and reaching out to ask for help, harder than birthing the little angels in the first place.
What’s your flavor?
Alongside this and to refer back to the dating correlation, there’s also the finding-the-mom-pals-that-compliment-your-lifestyle-and-manner-of-parenting factor.
Personally, I say fuck – a lot. And on any given day, I may or may not leave the house looking like a classy punk rocker to rebel against domestication (in my head) and I don’t drink.
If that doesn’t sound like a few things to eventually bring up during a date prospect aka compatibility test, I don’t know what does.
The Point
I say all of this to paint a backstory. Because recently, in spite of myself and in the middle of a breakdown, I made some new mom friends. These bitches came from nowhere, literally. And like most new collisions, I’ve learned a few things about myself. For which I’ll share below.
- There is power in numbers. We need each other, as women and as moms. One of the hardest things for me to do is to let others see my vulnerable side, especially when I’m not feeling strong. But I cannot grow strong in any aspect of life, if I don’t let go of trying to be some false belief of perfection. And neither can you. So let’s drop the bullshit and let others in.
- To piggyback off of number 1, there is a sense of relief in knowing that one is not alone in life’s circumstances. And an empowerment that comes to all involved in the exchange – to those releasing what’s bothering them and to those listening or receiving – that neutralizes whatever is happening to disrupt the system. Even if the seeming disruption can’t walk or talk yet. Even if REM sleep is an illusion from a past life. I’ve watched the domino effect live and in action, and it’s beautiful!
- Get up, get out and get some. Whatever that some is for you! Commit to doing one thing a week, for a couple hours, that’s just for you! For some women, the white picket fence and kids was the end game, mission accomplished, life goal complete. For myself and other moms in my sphere, motherhood is a main priority and an aspect of us but not the entirety of who we are. There are other sides to our fabulous and dynamic selves that also need water to grow and feel whole. Honor it, do it and DON’T feel guilty for falling outside of society’s box of shoulds.
- Mantra for when things fucking suck: For better or for worse, everything changes and has the potential to change to the exact degree or greater in the opposite direction.
Final Thoughts
We live in a world where we’re told we should have it all figured out. It doesn’t matter what it is, we should’ve known how to do it before we were even incarnated this round. Business, self awareness, PARENTING.
More over, it’s not mainstream to show the struggle. It’s mainstream to see the end results that look good and that have come from falling down a million times, getting dirty and actually figuring it out. Or simply faking it.
Find some cool bitches to roll with and be easy on yourself. If it wasn’t something you could master and/or that had some uber epic divine purpose in your life – it wouldn’t be happening.
Till next time..
xo, Kris
