NO I’m not a flake-I’m a single mother. As a parent I’ve passed up many invites to parties and luncheons with friends, turned down potentially amazing meetings with producers and photographers and have even missed castings. So it’s not a wonder dating has fallen so far to the waist side.
Much of the things I’ve learned as a parent, I’ve learned by accident or by making a mistake. Now, in a perfect world someone would lay out for me in a neatly organized instruction manual exactly what it is I am supposed to do in any given situation. But such is not the case and my world is perfectly imperfect.
I’m going to assume that since I didn’t get an instruction manual for dating as a single parent, neither did you and place below 3 pieces of advice based on my experience and ‘mistakes’ to take into account when diggin’ a single mother, from my soul to yours.
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You will never, I repeat, NEVER come first.
The kid will come first-ALWAYS. If you aren’t already a parent, have intense paternal tendencies (or maternal for my LGBT crew), etc., you could end up laced with a resentment perceiving that you’ve been blown off. Now, maybe you DID get blown off. Either way, you MUST understand that ish happens. And in parenthood-IT HAPPENS A LOT.
Being a parent is a bootcamp for problem solving at a moment’s notice, coordinating and planning the escape route with your back up against the wall, multiplied times infinitum on steroids when one’s doing it ALONE. It’s not ALL ABOUT YOU. So please don’t compete for her attention in an already demanding existence. It’s not hot.
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A single mother does NOTHING for free anymore.
That includes going on a date with you. And it is especially true if the child(ren) are under 4, there is no family around to help and BD (that short for baby daddy) doesn’t contribute. Because that means they are not in school and/or are in daycare or with a nanny full time, all of which are expensive.
From a personal POV, I have turned down 90% of dates because I spend what some spend on rent, on childcare each month just to keep my grind/income flowing. So unfortunately, that leaves you in the friend zone or as a notch on my bedpost when a friend has a night home and offers to watch her for me overnight bc I have a gig the next day.
Be a doll. Melt her heart. Pay the sitter.
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PLEASE don’t EVER say, “but you can just bring your kid with you” on the date as a solution.
That’s jumping MAD steps in the process and (in my book anyway) qualifies you for the friend zone and nothing more, EVER.
There you have it. The Cliffnotes version. If she won’t go out with you after you’ve clearly experienced the sparks of chemistry and you’ve swallowed and tried these truths, I don’t know what to tell you. I’d have gone out with you.
Til next time..
Very interesting, and very helpful especially for those of us in our 30s
-Jim