This is your 4-letter-word warning. If you’re easily offended, please turn away.
It’s hard not to be, whatever this cyclical spectrum of emotions I’m currently experiencing is called, when a person I admired and believed in chose to hurt, betray and disappoint me. I’m not putting anyone on blast or going into details because that’s not my style. And I know “this too shall pass,” and “make me stronger” and all that annoying shit I always see as Truth in retrospect, and hate to hear when I’m “in it.”
Simply put, we all spend so much time only portraying the good, some even to the level of fabricating it. When a lot of the good in my life has actually come from insights and lessons I’ve learned from shit that has temporarily sucked. And from the people in my tribe who swan dive into the pool of Risking Judgement and dare to bare-it-all, butt-ass-naked with their truths – good or bad.
So I thought I’d do my usual against-the-grain number and not front life is fabulous and peachy when it’s just fucking not right now. I know that I have a lot to be grateful for and I am. Yet I’m honoring that I’m sad and grieving a situation that I invested a lot into, that just wasn’t good for me. And while I’m proud for being able to say today that I’ve put so much work into this version of me that I’m simply not able to downgrade my values for anyone. I’m also silently screaming “WWWWTTTT-FN-FFFF”… which I know, will also fade.
In the meantime, it’s so intense I’m left wondering if this bone-marrow-level of sadness is my response the person who was in front of me or if that person was but a catalyst triggering a rerun in my emotional body from that of my parents. Probably a bit of both. Either way, I must remember… we are all fallible..
And this fucking shit will make me stronger like the rest of the fucking shit did.