Feeling “Off” is OK.
Some days, my mental health survival mechanisms look like this. No, I’m not bragging. It’s deeper than it looks.
I haven’t written a blog post, newsletter or candid IG post in quite some time. That’s because my art, in all its forms, comes from a sacred place and I’ve been in quite the growth period for the past 6 months.
Being on a clean slate can be scary and exhilarating at the same time. Some days are amazing and others, I’m just in bed processing (and fighting the urge to feel guilty about it.)
Today I woke up irritated, weighed down and in fear. And even though so many good things are happening and I have so much to be grateful for right now, on top of the endless life adjustments due to Covid, my father’s birthday was this week and it always hits like a sucker punch.
The contrast of what I feel like vs what I think I should feel like because everything rocks can be an utter mind f*ck of spiritual cognitive dissonance, if that even exists.
It’s like my knowing knows it’s all good and my everything else is just wack and off-center.
Needless to say, after a period of trying to logically “figure it out” and venting in my weekly mastermind, I remembered what I forgot regarding these spaces I frequent on this path and decided to let it be, let it pass and in the meantime, do things that make me feel good about myself – like getting dolled up, calling my people and getting out to explore the city.
Some Woke Sh*t
What came to me is that I can be doing it all right – I can be meditating, self caring and using all the tools I know to keep my self and soul centered, still not get the results some days and THAT’S OK.
I’m human and I’m healing and what’s coming up is the pain I’ve pushed down. It’s on these kinds of days that I just need to allow shit to be so it can come up, come out and be out of my energetic system for good.
I’m writing this because I think people mistake what doing the work actually means. I know I did. I thought that working on myself and my healing like a beast meant I’d always feel good, always be balanced and centered and eventually I’d be levitating on some Magic Carpet of Bliss where all paths are cleared and I’d no longer have challenging days.
To take it to an even deeper level, I believed I was doing it wrong if I DIDN’T feel the things mentioned above.
Talk about a perfectionistic recipe for disaster.
This game of healing isn’t linear and it definitely isn’t clean. It’s messy and confusing and so utterly worth it.
I mean, I wouldn’t have even discovered this pattern if I didn’t sit through it enough times to identify it in the first place.
Nothing about Covid has made anything easy. And we have to remember to be easy on ourselves as we rediscover ourselves and what matters and where our new purpose lives..