What is love? A Note on Abuse

A Note on Abuse

Defining love can be as complex as defining truth. A spiritual mentor in my tribe recently sent me a youtube video by John Butler in which he stated truth can be described as “that which does not change.” For me, that was the most resonating-ly solid description I’d ever heard. Supporting that love and truth are one, each necessary for the other and yet the same.

I’ve recently left an abusive relationship with someone incapable of love, incapable of Truth. This person displayed narcissistic qualities to the T, was armed with over 20 years of Tony Robbins logic and NLP mind techniques as a Legacy Master Coach to powerful executives, other Coaches and a Speaker for the company. And used this arsenal in cunning ways to get what he wanted from me, in a very predatory fashion and scared me when I attempted to leave.

And I allowed it.

I chose to see the crumbs of good that were never real. And like that Japanese saying of the indention the slowly dripping water makes upon a stone over time, by believing he’d change and allowing him back, I fell out of balance with my truth and believed it was love.

But why? What was it in me that kept allowing and choosing this damaging behavior time and time again with this person? What need was it fulfilling? I had to ask myself these questions as I’d never put up with such behavior for this amount of time before. I mean shit, I kicked my daughter’s dad out of the house when she was four months old, with no money saved, him paying all the bills knowing he’d leave me high and dry – because he cheated on me while I was pregnant.

My PHD in Dysfunctional Men

If you’ve been following me for sometime, it’s very clear in my posts I know a lot about boundaries and relating. This comes with the territory of a woman choosing to grow, choosing to jump in heart first with no net and in the end – learning the hard way.

I have a history of attracting and choosing violent and emotionally abusive men. Men that typically have a substance abuse or drinking problem – whether they know it or not. Men that only see my outside like “Me Tarzan – You Jane.” Men that are so utterly insecure within themselves that I scare them, they can’t handle their emotions and so they attempt to tear me down to their comfort zone. (which is when I usually exit stage left). All of which has basically made me a life coach on relationships because again, I’ve had to jump, fall, fuck up and learn from my mistakes. For better or for worse.

I am not a victim.

Years of trauma therapy uncovered that because I grew up in an abusive home, somewhere deep inside, my subconscious mind perceives that manipulative, abandoning, gaslighting and sometimes physically abusive behavior as, you guessed it – love.

It was within this awareness that I could begin my pivot out. Out of the abuse from him and more importantly, out of a long-lineage family dynamic. For it was within the space he gave me to execute his selfish endeavors to purposely hurt me via the triggering of my abandonment issues, that I began to let him go and slowly become stronger.

Energetically, I began to have a reference for my frequencies of attraction when he was around killing my vibe vs when he wasn’t. It was a lot like when I stopped drinking in 2005. I’d put the alcohol down, and land a modeling gig. I’d pick it up and everything would go back to shit.

Back to the questions

I learned from a Trainer at last year’s Date with Destiny that I should make a list of the things I liked and disliked about the dynamic. That I should then take the things I liked and figure out how to fulfill them in new ways that didn’t involve said person.

I decided that this was going to be pivotal if I was going to be in my new Truth. As I don’t believe we ever leave a relationship the same version of ourselves that went into it. Doubly so for an abusive one.

The Pattern. The Hook

I reflected on how he would play the role of a person ready and wanting to build with me by filling in the spaces I didn’t even realize I wanted filled domestically. How he used both of our kids simply to ‘hook’ me. All the while hiding me from and/or speaking ill of me to his ex wife – who he secretly wanted to win back. Probably for financial reasons and/or to complete the family-unit facade he values to hide his behavior.

How he pretended to support my dreams and collaborate in a bare minimum fashion. Only to learn later, by his admittance, that he purposefully held me back because he was afraid that if I was successful, I’d leave him. Which is a form of emotional abuse, in case you aren’t savvy.

Armed with this awareness, I immediately recalled my resilience and how I raised a kid alone in NYC while killing it as a Makeup Artist and in the cosmetics world. Reflected upon my network of people who truly know how to love and taught me true love. And that I have everything I need and have never been truly without, despite what I might feel at times.

I am Whole.

This exercise helped me to see that everything I allowed him to make me think regarding what we never were, was already there in the first place. He chose me to make his ex wife jealous, he chose me because I improved his image and he chose me because he wanted to get laid. Typical, yet so cunning in his approach.

I wish I could say I immediately began to go where the energy flow was in alignment with where I was going, who I am and who I was becoming, but I gave him a few more opportunities to walk his talk. Being in recovery, I held on to the magic of seeing people change when it wasn’t warranted. What can I say, I’m a stupid girl when I’m in “love”.

Final Thoughts

This post is a new level of vulnerability for me and will most likely be in my book. Part of my healing lies in owning it, honoring myself and loving myself, despite the disappointment that people like this exist in the world.

It is my intention that by standing in my truth, I will be of service in helping others who are going through something similar in which they have no name or reference for yet.

Abuse is abuse.

One should never have to fight and argue for love, affection and attention – from anyone.

For me, truth and love lie in knowing myself.. and not wavering in that shit – for anyone.